Weekly News via Email
   Set as homepage | Add to favorites | Customer Service | Subscribe Now | Place an Ad | Contact Us | Sitemap Wednesday, 05.23.2018
News Archive
Su Mo Tu We Th Fr Sa
 1  2
 3  4  5  6  7  8  9
 10  11  12  13  14  15  16
 17  18  19  20  21  22  23
 24  25  26  27  28  29
Online Extras
Site Services
Around Bend
Outdoor Fun
Travel Info
Shop Local

Members Of

Poll: Today's Live Poll
Email to a friend | Print this | PDF version | Comments (0 posted) 
  Blogger |   del.icio.us |   digg |   newsvine

Feb 15,2008
Inside People: Rewriting the rule book can be tricky
by Jane Clifford

Well, we shipped the youngest back to college last weekend and have been enjoying the silence. There, I said it. I like being an empty nester. I love my kids, but I love my kid-free life, too. Now.

Holiday breaks and summer vacations are wonderful reunions, when our three daughters and one son find their way home. But as my colleague Lisa found out, it throws us parents for a loop.

Her son, a college freshman, has left to start his second semester. She and I talked about that first visit home for our kids. Mine is a sophomore so I tried sharing what I learned from experience and from others.

The hardest part for us parents is remembering we're dealing with children who, well, aren't children anymore. When they last lived with us, they were high school students who had to abide by curfews and ask permission to bring friends over and all that. But for at least several months, they've set their own hours at school, welcomed people into their dorm rooms whenever they pleased.

Our problem is where to draw new lines. Their problem is not wanting us to draw any.

The experts tell me that both sides have to adjust. Our college students bristle against the old days and old ways. We bristle at them coming and going at all hours, taking the car (and bringing it home on empty), hogging the remote, hosting a horde of friends.

Lisa and I both talked about how we found ourselves as watchdogs again, sleeping lightly, listening for the door.

The experts say, "Go to bed and go to sleep." Just as we do when they're miles away at school. Curfews aren't a good idea anymore. Neither is "waiting up." Asking that they let us know if they're staying out unusually late or not coming home at all is appropriate.

It's also OK, the experts say, to tell our kids we need to know if they're inviting friends over, so we can decide if that works for us. They're on break, but we aren't.

Mutual respect is key. We have to acknowledge the change in their place in the family, and they have to acknowledge that some things don't change - it's still our house, and we can set rules for how it's used.

It helps to put ourselves in their shoes, remember the newfound freedoms of freshman year, trust them, let them make some (hopefully, not too serious) mistakes. But it's equally important that we teach them that they can't have it both ways ....

That with independence comes responsibility. So, call if you're going to be late!

That it's common courtesy to treat those we live with graciously. So, Mr. and Ms. College Student, pick up your dirty dishes and put them in the sink.

That it won't always be easy as our kids pull away, as we learn to let go, but if we can keep things in perspective, it will work out.

Meantime, enjoy the peace, the quiet.

1397 times read

Related news
Money and You: Instilling values in your kids - Part I by Carrie_Schwab_Pomerantz posted on Nov 30,2007

Underage Drinking - A Parent's Challenge by Karen Wheeler posted on Jun 15,2006

Aging Lifestyles: Sending adult children on their way by Joe_Volz posted on Aug 31,2007

Inside People: Schools take on bullying by Michele Clock posted on Jul 27,2007

Parenting is about connections, limits and autonomy by Jane Clifford posted on May 11,2007

Did you enjoy this article? Rating: 5.00Rating: 5.00Rating: 5.00Rating: 5.00Rating: 5.00 (total 12 votes)

Market Information
Breaking News
Most Popular
Most Commented
Featured Columnist
Horoscope Guide
Aquarius Aquarius Libra Libra
Aries Aries Pisces Pisces
Cancer Cancer Sagittarius Sagittarius
Capricorn Capricorn Scorpio Scorpio
Gemini Gemini Taurus Taurus
Leo Leo Virgo Virgo
Local Attractions
Bend Visitors & Convention Bureau
Bend Visitors & Convention Bureau

Mt. Bachelor Resort
Mt. Bachelor Resort

Les Schwab Ampitheater
Les Schwab Ampitheater

Deschutes County Fairgrounds
Deschutes County

Tower Theatre
Tower Theatre

The High Desert Museum


Deschutes County

  Web    BendWeekly.com
© 2006 Bend Weekly News
A .Com Endeavors, Inc. Company.
All Rights Reserved. Terms under
which this service is provided to you.
Please read our Privacy Policy. Contact us.
Bend Weekly News & Event Guide Online
   Save the Net
External sites open in new window,
not endorsed by BendWeekly.com
Subscribe in NewsGator Online
Add to Google Add to MSN Add to My AOL
What are RSS headlines?