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Nov 16,2007
I looked at myself in the mirror.  Passable, I thought, but I wish I looked a little more…something.  Maybe I should change my clothes again.  No, this is crazy.  I’ve already changed three times. Am I wearing too much make-up?  Not enough?  Heels or flats?  Do I look intelligent?  After all, aren’t my brains more important that my looks?  No, I don’t have a date.  I have a parent-teacher conference today.  Why am I so ... [full story]
3328 times read - No comment posted

Nov 16,2007
Have you watched the hot new TV show, "Gossip Girl"? I haven't watched it, but I am living it. Ask me what the most important product our company produces and I will tell you flat-out - it's gossip. Our services are slack and our merchandise is morbid, but when it comes to turning out high-grade, A-plus No. 1 gossip, no one can touch us. If you also work for a company that is the Tiffany's ... [full story]
3127 times read - No comment posted

Aug 31,2007
You might say that I like to err on the side of caution.  Sometimes I might even be too cautious.  This comes from being the recipient of so many “I told you so!”s in my youth. My personal maxim since the time of so many “I told you so!”s has been asking myself, “What if I’m wrong?” If the answer to that question isn’t too severe then I know that I can go ahead with ... [full story]
2328 times read - 1 comments posted

Aug 31,2007
In the not-so-good old days, I lived in the mirror. Couldn’t go ten minutes without a peek. You’d think I was afraid of disappearing. It wasn’t vanity so much as the impulse to fix myself. Some people call it retarded.  Sunup to sundown, I probed myself for flaws. Weeks were lost to the idea that one eye was bigger than the other. My shrink, Dr. Dan, called it “body dysmorphic disorder”—seeing a monster in the ... [full story]
3415 times read - No comment posted

Aug 31,2007
You're not going to believe this, but there are people who actually look forward to the day when they won't have to go to work. That's right. Instead of cracking at the wake of dawn; brushing your teeth and flossing the dog; popping down a Pop-Tart and starting the agonizing commute to the workplace for a day of tedium and torture, these whackos actually imagine themselves spending Monday through Friday riding racing bikes, carving duck ... [full story]
2341 times read - No comment posted

Aug 10,2007
What's the worst part of getting sick? It isn't the aches from the fever, or the pains of a needle prick, or the nausea from the anesthesia, or the news that surgeon has left the keys to his Bentley Continental GT in your rib cage. No, the worst part of getting sick is dealing with your health insurance company. As Michael Moore points out in "Sicko," even people who have health insurance are not immune ... [full story]
2571 times read - No comment posted

Aug 03,2007
“Hello, is this Al?”… “It isn’t?  I dialed the right number, I think.”… “No I am not losing my mind.”… “Okay, no, I guess you aren’t who I was trying to call.”… “Well, listen.  Do you mind if I ask you a question anyway?”… “No, not a personal question.”… “No, this is not a crank call.  I merely dialed the right number and the wrong person answered.  That’s not to say that there’s anything wrong ... [full story]
2054 times read - 1 comments posted

Aug 03,2007
 My wife is a crackhead. She eats sunflower seeds by the silo—chewing, spitting, crack-crack-cracking. I suppose she eats like a bird. The seeds have nothing to do with it; Yahaira is after the salt. Glorious, iodized, vein-bloating salt. Each bag of seeds comes with enough sodium to kill the Niagara Falls. But it’s okay, see, because my wife has only “one more handful.” That is the crackhead’s mantra—“one more handful.” Yahaira has been on her last handful ... [full story]
1774 times read - No comment posted

Aug 03,2007
So, you're sitting at your desk and you're miserable, and you're miserable about being miserable, and so you think to your miserable self - "If I'm so unhappy, why don't I do something about it? Getting a job flipping burgers has got to better than this." Know what? You could be right! Why not throw off the creaking chains of traditional employment and live your dream? And if you don't have a dream, outside of ... [full story]
1499 times read - No comment posted

Jul 27,2007
I come from a long line of cheapskates. Our family crest looks like the flag of Japan, only with a big, puckered rear end. Most of the elders are too cheap to even buy skates.  “Why do you need roller shoes when those sneakers work just fine?” The curse, as legend has it, started when a sorceress appeared as a beggar at the door of my not-so-great grandfather… “Dear gentleman, would you happen to have some spare change?” “Spare ... [full story]
1804 times read - No comment posted

Jul 27,2007
You know there are people who obsess about writing the great American novel. Not me. I don't dream of writing the great American screenplay, nor the great American pop song, nor the great American spam e-mail. These are all worthy goals, but for working people, like thee and me, there can only be one literary goal that shines like a beacon in the dark and stormy night. We want to write the great American office ... [full story]
2019 times read - No comment posted

Jul 20,2007
I’ve always been attracted to fire. When I was twelve, my mom caught me torching the lawn, and I said—true story—“Don’t worry, Ma. It’s a controlled burn.”  The butt-whooping I got that day taught me to respect fire, but only recently, when firemen trained in my neighborhood, did I find out why: Fire is evil! Training took place at five houses condemned because they were built sometime during the Mesozoic Era. Firemen poured in from every direction, ... [full story]
2446 times read - No comment posted

Jul 20,2007
Good news! Today's column is not being written by the same mental midget who usually pontificates on office life from this soapbox. Instead, you have the extreme good fortune to be reading the opinions of someone whose views have won recognition from the famous Foundazion di Vittoro. Feel free to faint in my esteemed presence. For me the real honor is not that the award comes with a trifling bit of cash - $500,000 to ... [full story]
2185 times read - No comment posted

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