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Mar 16,2007
Boy, are you good! The fact that you managed to go to work after the change to Daylight Saving Time proves that you are a truly exemplary employee. Travelers say it usually takes a day to recover from each time zone you pass through when flying across the country or around the globe. A time change right under your feet or right under your mattress - if you're the boring type who is asleep at 2 ... [full story]
1820 times read - No comment posted

Mar 09,2007
What is the shelf life of a shelf? Why is there boxing at the Goodwill Games? Does the remote control go inside the dinner knife or outside the soup spoon?  You will learn the answer to these and other pressing questions at Keith Dion’s comedy club. The room was born in 1983 and has been a dictatorship since 1997. Keith doesn’t take days off. He works 12-18 hours per day and has missed only three ... [full story]
5780 times read - No comment posted

Mar 09,2007
Hey, congratulations on that big promotion. I always knew you were going to make it to the top. You'll be great in your new position, I'm sure, and all the extra money and perks will make a big difference in your lifestyle. Wait a minute! You didn't get the promotion. They gave the big job to someone else - someone who just happens to be your best friend in the office. So now your friend ... [full story]
1716 times read - No comment posted

Mar 02,2007
It used to be that I judged a food by two criteria: the picture on the label and how happy it made my mouth. I didn’t gain weight because I didn’t know better. Then, one dark day, the FDA passed a law about Nutrition Facts, and foods were either “good” or “bad.” In case you forget which is which, there’s a formula: If it tastes good, it’s bad, and if it tastes bad, it’s good. The ... [full story]
2209 times read - 1 comments posted

Feb 23,2007
I have spit, yes spit, on my forehead, and would you know why? My wife Yahaira lost a game of gin rummy.  It’s hard to blame her. She has a congenital illness. I found out during “board game night” at her uncle’s house, when all the tenderhearted people I used to know balkanized into Pictionary factions. Relatives drew like their lives depended on it, the others squawking at every erasure. An argument erupted over what constitutes gesturing. If ... [full story]
2407 times read - No comment posted

Feb 23,2007
Ever wonder what you'll be doing at 65? If your boss has anything to say about it, you may not be watching the waves of wheelchairs roll by at Casa Siesta. According to the experts, the latest trend in retirement is to "just say no."   Bob Goldman has been an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company in the San Francisco Bay area.  It's true! As the first baby boomers hit retirement age, a strange new phenomenon ... [full story]
1632 times read - No comment posted

Feb 16,2007
I’ve never had a best friend. I’ve always been the best friend runner-up, as in, “You’ll be my best friend if he dies.” So I work extra hard to be pleasant in the hope that someday, when no one is looking, I’ll catch the best friend bouquet. That is why it burns my briefs when somebody snubs an e-mail. “Me? Snubbed? But I was so good to him.”  Everywhere you turn, e-mails are being dismissed by friends, ... [full story]
1994 times read - No comment posted

Feb 09,2007
The older I get, the more I believe that we should respect the elderly. I’m at that age where things are falling apart like the warranty just expired. First but not least is … Appearance When I was growing up, guys tried to look like Robert Redford. Nowadays we’re all trying not to look like Robert Redford.  At least Redford has hair. My own peers are fighting baldness as if it were fatal. One decided to ... [full story]
2459 times read - No comment posted

Feb 02,2007
My mom has a poodle named Max. Mad Max. She pampers him in a way that I don’t recall being pampered as a child. The dog eats off her plate, sleeps in her bed, and advises her on life decisions. When my mom leaves home, she turns on the television to comfort the dog. You’ve done that? Have you checked the TV Guide beforehand?  This year Americans will spend $34 billion on pet products according to the ... [full story]
1649 times read - No comment posted

Jan 26,2007
I like football. There’s grunting and shouting, and more important, a man has to be dragged to the ground before a play can end. It preserves the holiness of Sunday. The more I watch, however, the harder it is to overlook an unforgivable flaw in the game: the field goal.  Consider this. A football team grunts and shouts its way 60 yards upfield until it faces fourth down. Then, at the moment of truth when dreams are ... [full story]
1556 times read - No comment posted

Jan 19,2007
I love garage sales. I’m one of those freaks who maps out the sales on Friday night, then wakes up at 6 a.m. with an uneasy feeling that someone else is buying his stuff. The early worm gets the rubbish. Recently, I stumbled on a garage sale bigger than Texas. It is called Ebay. (Yes, I have been living in a cave.)  Here, at one convenient location, is all the junk you could ever want, ... [full story]
1702 times read - No comment posted

Jan 12,2007
Typically, I don’t worry about ants because there is no food in my house, but after recent rains it didn’t seem to matter. Ants flocked to my house like I was hosting a world summit. There were ants in my cupboard, ants in my sink, ants in the pants in my closet. There were ants in places you can’t even fit an ant. One of them managed her way into an unopened bottle of Arrowhead. ... [full story]
2252 times read - No comment posted

Jan 05,2007
Acupuncture has never called me, at least no more than acuripping, aculeeching, or acu-kicking-you-in-the-groin. Besides, if acupuncture worked so well, how come porcupines get sick? But my headaches were that bad, and Dr. Lynn, my dealer, didn’t know why. “We can’t figure out what’s happening, Jason, so we’re just going to rub some more insurance money on it and see what happens.”  Dr. Lynn may have been sharp in his prime, but now you get the feeling that ... [full story]
1742 times read - No comment posted

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