A pack rat is any of various rodents that collect in their nests a diversity of objects. Pack rats have soft brown fur and resemble squirrels with large ears. They have been found as far south as Nicaragua but, more problematically, living as wife in my home!  Let’s investigate, shall we. My wife Yahaira just purchased her fifth computer. We still have the first four, stacked in an otherwise useful closet. Yahaira goes through so many computers ... [full story]

We’re have rolling blackouts again. That’s because there are too many people and not enough foresight to go around. One moment I was surfing cyberspace and the next I was a caveman.  Zzzzzzap! Lights out. The refrigerator stopped buzzing; the clocks stopped ticking. Somewhere in the distance, a dog barked. I stared at the blank screen for two minutes. It was like trying to accept that your car had been stolen. I was the guy ... [full story]

I was picking lint from my collar when my editor called with a dangerous mission: to get a Brazilian bikini wax and report back to you. Apparently, men are ripping hair from the shyest parts of their body, and no one knows why. They needed someone on the inside.  I arrived at the day spa without a reconnaissance. Lauren the hostess guided me through the cutting and curling and dyeing to a waiting room. Scratch ... [full story]

I don’t know what the president’s job approval rating is today, but interest in having his job is at an all-time low. Just before the ’04 presidential election, ABC News and Weekly Reader found that half of the teens polled thought it was possible to grow up and become president -- but 80 percent had absolutely no interest in the job. Next to being the parent of a rebellious teen, being president has to be one ... [full story]

"Children need boooundarieees," child psychologists harangue in that sing-songy, whiny voice that annoys the crap out of me. "They need limits on what they're allowed to dooooo."I wholeheartedly agree. I am a firm believer in setting boundaries as a way to help children grow. My own kids have learned the Basic Rules for Getting Along in the Deckers' House: be respectful to others, never hit your siblings, and never, ever cheer against the Colts. After all, ... [full story]

I’ve been watching Unsolved Mysteries again. It’s on every night at eight. My VCR is set to Record Perpetually. Robert Stack announced so many episodes that I know his voice better than my father’s. I have dreams in which he is my father. I was crushed to hear of his passing, but then I saw an episode in which Stack said, “Although I am dead, inexplicably my voice continues to announce this program. If you ... [full story]

It was time for a real, live, actual two-day weekend. I had been working too hard and, as remarkably, grumbling in answer to questions. “We need an adventure,” said my wife. And what made more sense than overnight camping, just the two of us alone in the woods without a drip of experience between us. Yahaira had never touched a tent, and I had camped only as a teenager when I was condemned, like Christ, ... [full story]

Quick, name the nine planets.If you're like most people, you ran through the list with ease: Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto. You probably even know the mnemonic to help you remember: My Very Excellent Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas.But if you're one of those smarmy, self-righteous planet purists, like the scientists of the International Astronomical Union, you scoffed at the notion of nine planets."Pluto?! That's not a proper planet. ... [full story]

A nice lady called to query one of the daughters about six potential baby-sitting dates. When I told her the daughter was not home, she asked if I would like to write the dates down. I probably seemed rude when I said no.  It’ s not that I wouldn’t take a message. It’s that I couldn’t take a message. I have forgotten how. I used to take phone messages all the time. Why I could ... [full story]

I had a combination "Ha, ha, serves you right/wow, that's too bad" moment a few years ago when I heard that Chris Hamill (aka 'Limahl'), former lead singer of '80s British band Kajagoogoo, was working at a London record store. This followed his failed solo singing career that he launched after Kajagoogoo's one big hit, "Too Shy," hit number one in the UK charts.It seems Limahl suffered from the same disease that most lead singers ... [full story]

Some say that baseball is the national pastime, while others believe it is watching celebrities have nervous breakdowns. As that debate rages on, we will focus on baseball.  Baseball dates back to 1845, when Alexander Cartwright created an actual rulebook with page numbers and everything. He convinced players to stop throwing the ball at the runner, and he replaced the upright poles with soft, harmless bases (the kind of forward thinking inspired by impalement). Not ... [full story]

They're called "cringe moments." Those things that we've done in our past that make us squirm uncomfortably like a Baptist at "Brokeback Mountain" as we remember them. We die a thousand deaths as we recall our past cringe moments and break into a cold sweat at the first sparkle of memory. No one likes to talk about them, but everyone has them, me included. Big surprise, right? Believe it or not, most of my moments come ... [full story]

At the wild animal park•a real one, not the high school•our tour guide whispered for dramatic effect: “As you can see, everything is in its natural state, completely unaffected by society…” At which point his cell phone went off. Beethoven’s “Für Elise” in C-minor. We all groaned, and the guide turned redder than a baboon’s … tongue. The whole world is beeping and buzzing and ringing. Everywhere we turn is a talking phone-head. That must ... [full story]