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Jan 05,2007
Acupuncture has never called me, at least no more than acuripping, aculeeching, or acu-kicking-you-in-the-groin. Besides, if acupuncture worked so well, how come porcupines get sick? But my headaches were that bad, and Dr. Lynn, my dealer, didn’t know why. “We can’t figure out what’s happening, Jason, so we’re just going to rub some more insurance money on it and see what happens.”  Dr. Lynn may have been sharp in his prime, but now you get the feeling that ... [full story]
1804 times read - No comment posted

Feb 09,2007
The older I get, the more I believe that we should respect the elderly. I’m at that age where things are falling apart like the warranty just expired. First but not least is … Appearance When I was growing up, guys tried to look like Robert Redford. Nowadays we’re all trying not to look like Robert Redford.  At least Redford has hair. My own peers are fighting baldness as if it were fatal. One decided to ... [full story]
2606 times read - No comment posted

Jul 13,2006
Dear Ann,Can I call you Annie? I'd like to think we could be friends, or at least colleagues. Sure, you're a big time author with several books, and I'm just a weekly humor columnist, but we're siblings in the written word.As your friend, I think you need an intervention. You seem so angry all the time. But I know what's really going on. Your attention-seeking behaviors -- saying the September 11th widows enjoyed their husbands' ... [full story]
2156 times read - 1 comments posted

Jan 12,2007
Typically, I don’t worry about ants because there is no food in my house, but after recent rains it didn’t seem to matter. Ants flocked to my house like I was hosting a world summit. There were ants in my cupboard, ants in my sink, ants in the pants in my closet. There were ants in places you can’t even fit an ant. One of them managed her way into an unopened bottle of Arrowhead. ... [full story]
2395 times read - No comment posted

Jun 08,2007
“Let’s go to bingo!” “Um. Okay.”  It had never dawned on me that young people could play bingo. I thought there was an age minimum, a picture of my grandma reading, “You must be this old to enter the building.” I let my wife Yahaira drive since it was her idea. As we pulled into the church parking lot, I wondered how gambling fit into the Scriptures. And I wondered what bingo had to do ... [full story]
5103 times read - No comment posted

Aug 11,2006
I had a combination "Ha, ha, serves you right/wow, that's too bad" moment a few years ago when I heard that Chris Hamill (aka 'Limahl'), former lead singer of '80s British band Kajagoogoo, was working at a London record store. This followed his failed solo singing career that he launched after Kajagoogoo's one big hit, "Too Shy," hit number one in the UK charts.It seems Limahl suffered from the same disease that most lead singers ... [full story]
2228 times read - No comment posted

Jul 20,2007
I’ve always been attracted to fire. When I was twelve, my mom caught me torching the lawn, and I said—true story—“Don’t worry, Ma. It’s a controlled burn.”  The butt-whooping I got that day taught me to respect fire, but only recently, when firemen trained in my neighborhood, did I find out why: Fire is evil! Training took place at five houses condemned because they were built sometime during the Mesozoic Era. Firemen poured in from every direction, ... [full story]
2446 times read - No comment posted

Jun 22,2006
To paraphrase Saturday Night Live alum Norm MacDonald, "Australians hate Barry Manilow!"At least the teenagers do.That's because Barry's dulcet tones are being used to chase off teenage hooligans ("hoons" as they're called Down Under) in Rockdale, Australia, a district outside Sydney.It seems the man who wrote the songs that made the whole world sing has become the man who makes the young hoons cringe.I know, I know. That was awful. But that's what the members ... [full story]
1823 times read - No comment posted

Aug 03,2006
Some say that baseball is the national pastime, while others believe it is watching celebrities have nervous breakdowns. As that debate rages on, we will focus on baseball.  Baseball dates back to 1845, when Alexander Cartwright created an actual rulebook with page numbers and everything. He convinced players to stop throwing the ball at the runner, and he replaced the upright poles with soft, harmless bases (the kind of forward thinking inspired by impalement). Not ... [full story]
1851 times read - No comment posted

Mar 23,2007
Once upon a Monday I met Mr. Becker, the landscape guy. He arrived while I was cooking lunch, grumpy-hungry. I was prepared to spend money on my flower bed, but it ended up costing something more precious: my time.  “We’ll have to dig up the seasonal flowers before we can add the perennials.” “Fair enough,” I said. “Yup,” he said, looking around. “We’ll have to dig 'em up.” There was an awkward silence followed by ... [full story]
1840 times read - No comment posted

Nov 10,2006
I was picking lint from my collar when my editor called with a dangerous mission: to get a Brazilian bikini wax and report back to you. Apparently, men are ripping hair from the shyest parts of their body, and no one knows why. They needed someone on the inside.  I arrived at the day spa without a reconnaissance. Lauren the hostess guided me through the cutting and curling and dyeing to a waiting room. Scratch ... [full story]
7158 times read - 1 comments posted

Apr 27,2007
I’m a morning person: that’s when I get my best sleep in. I believe that most evils can be cured by 10 hours’ sleep and that alarm clocks should exist only as supplemental punishment for prisoners. You can imagine, then, how warm and fuzzy I felt when the phone began rrrrrringing at 6 a.m. Some fool was alarming me from a remote location. It happened twice, thrice, frice! I staggered to the phone with dreams in my ... [full story]
2366 times read - No comment posted

Aug 31,2006
It was time for a real, live, actual two-day weekend. I had been working too hard and, as remarkably, grumbling in answer to questions. “We need an adventure,” said my wife. And what made more sense than overnight camping, just the two of us alone in the woods without a drip of experience between us. Yahaira had never touched a tent, and I had camped only as a teenager when I was condemned, like Christ, ... [full story]
1950 times read - No comment posted

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