The Brightside of Global Warming
Jun 06,2006 00:00
Oh, you’re going to love this. Its the latest tripe being ground out of the ever busy Bush Administration sausage factory of spin. Now that the evidence about global warming is pretty much nailed down, meaning every scientist on the face of the planet agrees that not only are we neck deep in the middle of it, the bottom of our earlobes are starting to tickle; turns out, no worries. Its really good for us. Yes. “Glaciers are actually growing.” Well, at least one is. In spots. Some scientists say this is also due to global warming, but hey, why work yourself into a lather You can’t deny shipping will benefit due to the opening of a Northwest Passage. Its the fast tracking of Armageddon. So what if other parts of the world are destined to suffer eternal droughts or total submersion or disappearing fauna and flora and coastline. That’s just what you call your collateral damage. Can’t have an omelet without breaking a few eggs. Just think of the future as a 12 ton boulder on a hen house.
According to Al Gore’s new movie, “An Inconvenient Truth,” we got a window of about 10 years before we hit the point of no return, and let’s face it: Americans are the lead dog in this Iditarod to hell. And we got less chance of altering our gas guzzling ways in time as a pack of Chihuahuas have of pulling a sled carrying the 101st Airborne. Wouldn’t you say its just about time we weenie liberals accept the fate that God and Exxon- Mobil have mapped out for us and search for the silver lining in living on a planet speedily replicating the atmosphere of Mercury? I would. Its the point of this column. So let us take a couple of moments to band together, spray ourselves down with SPF 450 and look at the upside of overheating.
THE BRIGHTSIDE OF GLOBAL WARMING
• Casual Friday becomes clothing optional Friday.
• Not nearly as many frog species to catalogue.
• MTV’s Jose Cuervo Spring Break Brought to You Live From the World Famous Beaches of Nova Scotia.
• History Channel specials on picnics.
• Dive the ruins of Bangladesh.
• Extreme Siberian Summers. In December.
• Less glaciers, more salt flats.
• Wyoming coconuts.
• Deteriorating ozone makes air travel too dangerous for politicians to make trips back to home districts.
• Louis Vuitton full body containment suits.
• A flourishing alligator sightseeing industry on Lake Michigan.
• Dune buggies everywhere dude.
• Monkey wranglers; a north American growth industry.
• A perfect all round tan in less than 30 seconds.
• Aged Duluth Coffee beans.
• Worried about unprovoked polar bear attacks? Don’t be. Ever again.
• Ocean front property in Missouri.
• Antarctic pinot noir.
• Real black panthers in Oakland.
• Surfing Sweden = nirvana.
• So many hurricanes, your name guaranteed to cycle through the list much more often.
• Backyard dwarf banana trees.
• No need to retire to Arizona; Arizona will come to you.
Comic, writer, actor, radio talk show host, beer drinker, Will Durst is looking forward to that whole clothing optional Friday deal. Bend Oregon Central Oregon