The Wireless Cable Man
Jun 15,2006 00:00 by Will_Durst

Speaking of his new appointment to head up the Central Intelligence Agency, President George Bush called four star General Michael Hayden, "the right man to lead the CIA at this critical moment in our nation 's history." Let 's hope Hayden isn't too much of a student of history. Otherwise, he might read the President's statements about Porter Goss, the man whose position he is filling, when Goss was appointed to head the CIA, 18 months ago. "He's the right man to lead the CIA at this critical moment in our nation's history." Or perhaps Hayden has been assured of all the right men, he's the rightest man for the job. And you can take that any which way you want.

Uncanny how Bush was able to find these two right men for the CIA at these various critical moments in our nation's history. Have you noticed that every point in time for this guy is a critical moment in our nation's history? He even claims to have special powers because of this critical moment in our nation's history. Apparently mixing up the script is not one of them. But I'll tell you why every point in time in his administration is a critical moment in our nation's history: it's not the terrorists, it's not the price of gas, it's not the illegal immigrants or the domestic spying, IT'S BECAUSE HE'S THE PRESIDENT. THAT'S WHY.

George W Bush possesses the unique ability of turning nap time at a pre-school into a critical moment in our nation's history. Because even attention deficit five year olds are bright enough to toss and turn on pins and needles dreading whatever blunder President Fossil Fuels has up his sleeve for the future. Have you ever smelled a classroom full of interiorly stained GrrAnimals? Ooooh. Not a good thing. Neither is Sponge Bob Squarepants geting the contact shakes. And let's get real here: turning the CIA over to Pentagon authority is not the lullaby to lay these kids down to sleep. As far as soundtracks go, this is more Bernard Hermann from "Psycho!"

You want an example of putting the military in charge of intelligence? How bout the SS or the KGB? Besides the fact the term "military intelligence" takes us deep into the heart of Oxymoronia, that mythical land in the Middle West where the Bush Presidency first sprouted its logic defying genetically modified seeds. Saying "military intelligence" is like requesting wireless cable. Or a Donald Rumsfeld mix tape. Or the Wall Street Journal Presents Dick Cheney's Executive Guide to Getting Along by Going Along.

Then again, with Bush's poll numbers descending into Nixonian if not Stalinistic sublevels, we can only surmise that each and every day more and more Americans are able to acknowledge that piercing wake up call telling them George Bush is the wrong man to lead the country in this critical moment in our nation's history. And I predict our nationwide insomnia will reach its peak in November of 07, when a Democratically controlled Congress convenes the first of a series of impeachment trials. Maybe we should embark on a national project to erect huge statues of the President all over the country just for the cathartic release that will consume us when we attach wireless cables to tear them down.

Writer, comic, actor, radio talk show host, bridge burner, Will Durst has a wireless cable modem but no idea what it does.